How Do I See Myself??

We are in the thick of it now!  The pressure is really on because our big reveal is 17 days away.  We are planning our wardrobe, hair and make up.  We are picking out our "theme songs" and wondering who will be the winner.  We are all so close that there is no telling where we will finish at this point!  We are all trying to eat as clean as possible and train as hard and as much as we can.  This is the really exciting part though because we can really see and feel the weight loss.  I've had a closet full of clothes for years that were so varied in sizes yet still nothing fit.  Well, I still have that problem, except that now, most of it is all too big!  I am pretty excited about that!

Its funny how I knew I needed to lose weight and knew that I was bigger than I have ever been (besides pregnancy) yet somehow when I looked at myself in the mirror I did NOT see that I was that heavy.  I think I still saw myself 30 pounds lighter.  Then I would see a picture of myself and think, whooooaaa, who is that?  Is this because I think of myself the way I feel?  One of the other girls in the BWLC with me said just the opposite the other day.  She said that even though she has lost weight (and looks amazing, by the way) that she still sees the fat girl in the mirror every day.  This makes me wonder what this says about self perception?  Was I in denial that I had gotten older and heavier over the past several years of having and caring for my babies?  Is it just that my brain has this 25 year old version of myself that it refuses to let go of?  I often say that I don't feel that much different than I did as a teenager (hopefully wiser and more mature, however).  Looking back at the pictures taken of us during this competition there is no denying it!  Wow, the pictures of us at the beginning are....well awful.  Slowly as I flipped through them I started to recognize myself as the person I think of myself as being.  We have all changed so much, I am so proud of us all.  I am so grateful for this experience (I'm pretty sure I have said that before, but really, thank you Dan, thank you Nicole!) 

I had to make a tough decision this past week.  The kids are on Spring Break next week and it is our "year" to spend Easter with my family in Wilmington, NC.  With the competition being so close to over, I am so nervous about leaving town and having less control over what I eat and missing 2 of the last few workouts I have left with Dan and the girls.  We had considered just not going this year and staying in Gainesville.  Then my Grandmother (who just turned 94) had a stroke.  She is doing really well and got out of her rehab facility last week, but the emotional pull to see her is just so strong.  I also have my Granny there that just had her pacemaker replaced....another emotional pull.  I grew up with my family all around me, I saw my grandparents every week.  I need to go home, I need to see my mom and let my children spend time with them.  Samantha needs to have an Easter egg hunt at my Aunt's house...this is what is best for me.  Yet, still, I have guilt about leaving and missing workouts.  I felt like a teenager coming in to tell my Daddy I had gotten in trouble when I told Dan I was going to be out of town.  I feel like I am letting the group down by not being there.  I am worried I am giving them the edge too.  I will have to work extra hard at my diet and exercise!!

I am excited about the last phase of this competition (how many times have I said "excited", maybe I have been watching too much Timmy Tebow?)  I know, you can NEVER watch too much Tebow!  Anyway, I am excited, but also nervous about the independence we are supposed to be gaining.  I know this is the plan, but I reallllyyyy like this thing we have going and I am not excited about it ending.  I feel confident that I can keep up the clean eating.  I am sure I will stay active and continue to make training a priority.  I also know that I will miss the BWLC! 

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